The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize