this beer tastes like vomit already
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
is it fun? or sober?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
