The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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