How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
