I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
