I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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