the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
