Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize