i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
