Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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