he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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