I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
