my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
