Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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