Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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