Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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