Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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