I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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