i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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