my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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