Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
