My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
