I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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