I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
