But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize