Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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