im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
