And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
