I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
