when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
