how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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