Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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