is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
