She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
