I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize