she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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