dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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