looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
