My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
