I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
