All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
