My liver just broke up with me...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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