have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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