all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
