I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
