glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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