Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
