Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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