and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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