I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
