You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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