You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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