i jhust puked up my retainher.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
