Got a toothbrush?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
