I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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