K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
