I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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