i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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