Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
