Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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