Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
