my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
