the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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